The Father Wound. Healing The Boy Within.

⏳ 3 Minutes Read • Father Figure Wounds

Photo: OwlCation

Kugrow up bila father figure huachanga impact kubwa sana kwa life ya mtu, especially kama wewe ni mwanaume.

Na si ile ya kuongea tu kwa story. Ni kitu deep. Inaku-mould vile unaona life, vile una-handle feelings, vile unareact to pain, vile unapenda, vile unaamini watu...na  hata vile unajibeba kama mwanaume.

Na najua hii story juu nimeishi nayo. Ni kitu nime-experience.

Nimelelewa na single mom, all my life till adulthood — mwanamke strong, loving, na resilient mbaya. Anajituma kuhakikisha that nimepata “a good life”.

Amechukua role ya mzazi, protector, provider; basically kila kitu.

Lakini deep down, kumekuwa na ile feeling ya “Something is missing”. Na najua some of you mna-relate. And actually, whether you like it or not, hii kitu inaku-mold in ways you don't even realize.

Unajua, wazazi wanawake (moms) hukuwa naturally soft. NO OFFENSE ‼️

Wanakuwanga protective, wanataka uishi safe, away from danger, bila stress...

Na hiyo yote ni love, pure love.

Lakini wanaume (dads), ... They prepare you for life. Most, if not all, wanakufunza vile uta-face life head-on, vile unafaa kusimama ukianguka, vile discipline inakaa, vile risk inachezwa.

Wanakupea courage ya kukuwa bold.

Na ukikosa hiyo guidance, uta-learn mainly the hard way. Utagrow up learning from pain, real life experiences na errors.

Unaanza kujifunza life from scratch.

Unafika adulthood unajikaza tu, ukijaribu kubalance toughness na vulnerability.

You crave mentorship, lakini bado unashindwa ku-trust.

Sometimes hata unajipata umekuwa too defensive, kiburi iko juu, ama unaogopa ku-open up. Na hii yote sio kupenda kwako bro.

Ni vile tu hakuna mtu aliwahi kufunza vile mwanaume anadeal na life.

The Hidden Wound

As usual, tukuwe real. Hakuna mtu huongelea vile hii father figure absence huacha traumas. Society inatuambia maboyz “kuwa strong,” “wanaume hawalii,” ama “move on.”

Lakini ukweli ni, hiyo ndio inabreak wasee wengi within.

Tunakuwa so good kwa kuficha pain.

Tunacope behind jokes, hustle culture ama tu silence.

But every now and then, kuna yule “inner child” ndani yako hucry for the father he never had. Yule mwenye angekufunza kuhandle heartbreak, rejection, ama failure... na pia kudeal na anger issues.

So, what happens?

Tunaingia adulthood na hizo scars. Tunakuwa na struggle kujiexpress/kuongea, tunaogopa commitment, hatuwezi trust, tuna-avoid vulnerability.

And sometimes, tunagrow up kukuwa the "bare minimum" versions of ourselves... Instead of "better" versions.

Lakini ukweli ni moja bro — hiyo wound haiwezi define life yako. 

Healing Ni Possible !

Healing inaanza the moment umekubali hali yako. Honestly, ni unfair life ilikukosea. In short:

“Healing begins when you stop blaming life for what you didn't have — and start building with what you have !”

Personally, hizi ndizo zimenisaidia, na zinaweza kusaidia pia wewe:

☑️ Kubali situation — First of all, huwezi heal kitu una-deny. Ni sawa kuadmit that absence ya mzae wako ilikuumiza, ama ulimhitaji. Kuwa tu honest with yourself.

Haikufanyi weak, inakufanya real.

✅ Forgive Them — Hata Kama ni ngumu.

Na most of them probably hawatawai apologize.

Wengine walienda willingly, wengine hawakujua kukaa, wengine walikua present physically lakini emotionally zoned out. Na wengine sadly walipass.

Kuweka chuki ni kujifunga na past. Forgiveness sio kumaanisha una-escape reality — ni kujiweka free bana.

✅ Tafuta mentorship — Father figure si lazima awe yule biological. Tafuta wasee wenye wakona values una-admire...

Labda ni wisdom, strength, respect.

Inaweza kuwa hata uncles, bros, ama any other elder male guardian.

Learn from them. Kuwa humble enough kukubali guidance.

✅ Heal through brotherhood — Tafuta spaces za wasee wanadiscuss real stuff; kama pain, mistakes, healing...etc

Kuna power kwa vulnerability. Wasee wakianza kuheal pamoja, wanaacha kuumiza wengine.

✅ Kua Huyo “father figure” ulihitaji (in the future, in this context) — Hii ndio point kali.

Kila lesson hukupata, kila experience yenye ulikosa — promise yourself you'll give it to your future children. 

Wacha pain iishe na wewe. Healing ianze na wewe.

My Truth...

Photo: Vecteezy

There were days nilikuwa na-envy wasee wako na wazazi wote. Maybe ina-sound weird, but... It is what it is.

Lakini sahii, naona vitu  differently.

Life haikuninyang’anya anything for real; ilinijenga.

Growing up bila father figure iliniforce, kinda, ku-mature very fast. Ilinifundisha empathy pia, resilience, na kuwa intentional juu ya the kind of a man nataka kuwa.

Na pia kuhusu the kind of a father na-hope kuwa in the future.

So kwa kila bro amegrow up bila father figure… skiza:

Wewe si broken. Wewe si less of a man.

Wewe ni survivor, still choosing to rise.

Ni time tuheal majamaa.

Tuvunje hii cycle.

Tusipeleke hii pain kwa next generation.

Labda hatukupata blueprint ya manhood, but tunaeza tengeneza yetu. Tujifunze.

Tukue hao figures tungependa kuwa nao tukiwa wadogo.

Juu ukweli ni, hatuko defined na past yetu... but na vile tunadeal na aftermath.

Umesurvive kila kitu at this point.

Na kama hakuna mtu amekuambia leo:

Bro, I'm proud of you !

Tuongee Kiasi 🗣️

Kwa wale mmekua bila father figure?

Imekuimpact aje kwa life yako kama mwanaume?

Drop hapo kwa comments (anonymously), story yako inaweza saidia bro mwingine kuheal.